Monday, March 29, 2010

My very first Award!!!!!!

My Very First Beautiful Blogger Award

Thank you Sara

This award was given to me by Sara at her blog is so cute and shes a sweetheart.

For the "Beautiful Blogger" award you need to:
~Thank and link the person that gave you the award
~Pass this award on to 15 fantastic bloggers
~Contact said blogs and let them know they've won
~State 7 things about yourself

Lets see 7 things about me

1) I have the most terrible road rage I think anyone can ever have(I mean break out into a sweat because I get so mad) not good.
2) Zach and I have know each other ever since we were 4(and had been best friends ever since) :)
3) I can talk my way out of any ticket and I mean any very proud of that one.
4) Ive never let Zach see me cry while watching a sad movie I always hide it I know dorky he he
5) I can go under water, open my eyes and hold my nose and blow and make bubbles come out of the corner of my eyes Ha I know weird
6) I have 3 tattoos on my feet one a flower, the other a Hawaiian flower and the other on the inside of my foot a moon and star. I'm going to get one soon with both of the girls names and date.
7) I have a very serious spending habit on designer purses even if I don't carry it. I Have To Have It!!!!!!!

Now For the 15 Lucky Bloggers

1) Mrs G @

2) Lauren @

3) Kristin @

4) Nan @

5) Nlvaden @

6) Candice @

7) Jessica @

8) Mitzi @

9) Mrs. F @

10) Tina @

11) Fine for now @

12) Vanessa @

13) Ashley @
I couldn't think of 15 but I got close. Have a lovely day!!!!

Friday, March 26, 2010

I will slap you lady!!!!!

Let me just start off by saying I had to let myself take it down a notch from yesterday before I posted this. Because I was so flippen Pissed. So it all started yesterday we were in the process of ordering our baby girls headstone. You'd think they would want to make this as easy as possible right? Nope! I got on the phone with this lady and was asking some questions, one of Mine and Zach's friend had offered to make us one for the girls. Because a 6x6 was freaking $1100 and couldn't even fit both the girls names on plus I'm not to fond of all the brass and copper looks. i wanted something different a nice piece of granite slab with a saying on it and there names. Something sweet, I was talking to the lady about this and she started to get an attitude with me because we didn't want to go with there headstones by the way are so freaking expensive. So me being the nice person I am just broke down and let her have it. I told her that knowing it would be this difficult we wouldn't of buried the girls there. She said the rules of the headstone have to have brass on it. Well I don't want brass. She said well you cant have your headstone made and set in our cemetery unless it has brass on it. Bullshit. I know I probably didn't handle this the best way but I was mad!So after going off and getting made at her I got off and told Zach to deal with it. I just couldn't do it. talking about this still pisses me off. So now our poor girls grave site has sunk in the dirt like 8in because all the rain, they tool up the flowers that were still blooming and threw them away. So now its just plan, nothing on it but dirt and a freaking orange flag marking were they are. I'm sorry this is a how can i put this vent post I guess but i had to get it out of my system for all my blogging buddies out there. Have a wonderful weekend I fill a little better now.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Went to the Doctor today.

So I went to the Dr and we had a long talk. First I walked in the office which had pretty much been our second home of family for two years all the girls were crying as I was to. I was telling them the story of our girls. Then I met with the Dr he walks in and gives me a big hug and asks how I was doing and how Zach was doing. I told him we have our days. Then we proceed to think of our next step. Did I want to get on birth control or wait and I asked him questions like if I got on it would I have to wait when we wanted to start trying again. Then we went on to the harder questions the what ifs. What if I get pregnant again will my body deliver this next baby early, what if I have twins again I would be terrified. He told me when I got pregnant again they would watch me closely and check my cervix for thinning. He also told me that he could sew my cervix shut if I started having any problems. We wont cross that bridge till we get there he said. Its nice to have a caring Dr who you can tell truly cares. We had a balance after having the twins and he told us he was going to take care of it for us not to worry or pay it. I keep thinking wow that's really nice. They check me wrote me some meds in case I ever needed it got me some birth control and said until I see you again with a baby in your belly. We both teared up as we said our goodbyes..

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Will Tuesdays Ever Be The Same

Wow so here it is. 3 weeks have went by since we said goodbye to Mallory and Mary. About this time 3 weeks ago all the shit hit the fan and I had my baby girls. Like I said I have good days and bad days the angry days are getting a little better Ive realized I cant take it out on the people I love but when I do they understand. Will I ever be the same person I was. I just fill that my soul is lost, it got striped away the same time the girls passed away. Ever day is a challenge and I have my good moments and my bad moments. I was looking so forward to having a pair of girls. Our family would have been complete of our boy and our girls. I was looking forward to putting cute little bows in there hair, matching them in the same outfits and just dressing them in ruffles. God please grant me with a healthy pregnancy next time I know when it comes I will be a nervous wreck. I was so confident that the twins pregnancy was going great I just cant believe there actually gone. Will my life ever be the same, will I ever fulfill my dream of having a little girl to join with my sweet little boy, will I ever be blessed with a twin pregnancy again. So many questions and no answers. Will my life ever be the same, Will a Tuesday ever be the same.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Today is a Great Day

Wow what a differences a night can make. Z and I had the most amazing night last nite it was what I needed. I just fall more and more in love with him everyday. Tomorrow its supposed to be 70 so it will be a perfect day to go visit the girls and add my new roses I bought them. We also got them a Easter wreath as well. I think were going to go out of town for Easter it will be a nice little get away plus Hudson's first Easter so exciting. Hudson is talking so much he now says mama all the time especially when daddy is feeding him and not going fast enough or doing it right which makes for one jealous daddy but were working on Dada. He also says bob which is my dads name he he I guess its easy to say so all around the house it mama and bob bob bob. And he is also giving big wet open mouth kisses.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

A New Kind Of Date Night

So Z and I have decided to have date night on Thursday. Like I said A new kind of date night. We sat down last night and had a long talk about Hudson, our life, and date night. The past two days have absolute been the hardest two days of my life I handle stuff different. After work I went to Hobby Lobby they had a sale on there flowers so I got a dozen light pink roses and a dozen hot pink roses. Light pink for Mary Grace and Hot pink for Mallory Grace. We had decided by there personalities that Mary was the sweet one and Mallory was the feisty one just like her mama. You could even see it in the ultra sounds it was crazy how something so little inside you can have such a personality. So when it gets nice outside were going to put them on the grave. So after Hobby Lobby I went to the cemetery and just sat there for hours and cried. It was a much needed cry and it felt good.

So on to the Thursday night date night. It is going to start of with one of the grandparents watching Hudson and then Z and I are off. We plan to go to this thing called Lulla-Byes its an Infant Loss Support Group put on by the hospital. We both agree that it will be good for the both of us, then we will probably go to dinner and a movie. What a date night its going to be great to get back to one night a week with Z. Its fun the three of us but it will be good for the two of us to. This that were going through has made us realize that our love for one another is so incredibly strong. Z is an awsome support system. And Ive also decided that instead of taking my anger out on people I'm going to take a kick boxing class and start working out again. I might also talk to my Dr about getting on some type of medicine it all depends on how the group goes it might be enough to help me. The hormones have been really bad i think there worse then when I had Hudson, probably from the girls and me being pregnant for two years. Well thanks for listening to me this is my escape. And I love reading your comments. O as you have noticed I put pictures of the girls feet. They are so little and precious. Have a wonderful day.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Very Angry and Sad

Well its been almost 3 weeks since we had lost our twins. The first two went by as a blur. Then this week I went back to work big mistake it was way to early and I was a mess a freaking mess I walked through the door and lost it just started crying I didn't want to be there I just really didn't want to be anywhere. I'm lost I don't know how to grieve I just go on all bundled up inside and just act like it never happen I know that's not good or not a way to deal with it, but I'm really Angry and I really fill like I'm going to lose it on someone. I think its time to get help and talk to someone about this the hospital said that they had grieving classes for family's that deal with losing there babies. I really think its time I'm normally not an angry person but this about did me in. And I really want to talk to someone before I really go crazy on someone. I'm sorry to go on about this but this is my get away to vent I talked to Z about this and he thinks its a good idea whenever I'm ready and I think I'm ready. And the hormones aren't helping either.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Who Knew Men ..........

Payed Attention To Wallets and Purses,

OK so I have a wee little problem with buying purses not typical kind of purses, very expensive purses, My best friend and I went shopping last Thursday with Hudson we went to an outside mall it was a wonderful day and I really needed to get out of the house with everything that has went on the past couple weeks. So we went to Macy's and browsed by the Kate Spade and Coach section. Two words BAD IDEA!!!! Here's a little role play,

Me: Oh Sam this bag is so Pretty
Sam: Oh Kristin it really is
Me: I know isn't it, It would look really good on my arm RIGHT
Sam: Yes it would, You know Kristin you haven't bought yourself a nice purse in a long time
Me: That's right Sam I haven't I'm going to get one or two HEHEHE

So that's when Sam, Hudson, and I debated on weather to get the Coach Or Kate Spade. Whats a girl to do, that's right I got them both... he he ;) Then we walked our happy butts down to Dillard's and I splurged on a nice little HOBO wallet. I know Bad Girl but it made me fill better or at least for a little while, I deserve it. Sam said Z will never know who pays attention to handbags anyway well Z does ha Q dinner time We went to Bonefish (yummy) by the way I told Z to hand me my purse (bad idea) he looked at it and says wow Kristin that's a real nice purse when did you get it Hummmmm I said what that old thing he he Z said yeah right K you were shopping with Sam for 8 Hours yesterday. OK I caved I haven't bought myself anything nice in a long time he said its OK you deserve it Wow Q the tears thank you baby, Now just let me tell you Z has never controlled our money so I knew he would more than likely be OK with it. As we were paying I pulled out my bright Coral Orange HOBO wallet and he so ever nicely say What the hell Kristin you have allot of money over there in that nice little purse and that wallet. Needless to say he loves it. But really who knew that guys carried so much about what a women crays Ha ha I guess its a money thing. But when ever I start to fill bad about it I sit back and think man we both have been through allot so I cope with the process of spending some money. I know I know. Not a good thing once again I don't hide things from Z and I'm not always shopping have a wonderful day.

Monday, March 15, 2010

7 Months Old

Hudson in his new Highchair H loving the famous Duck Tub

Such a Big Boy

We loved this one he looks like the Pope with this hat on Little small for his big head. :)

This is what keeps me going everyday. My wonderful Z and sweet Baby Hudson who is getting so big. Here are a few pictures of him. We are going to pick out the Mallory and Mary Graces headstones tonight it takes about 8 weeks to make plus there like $1200.00 which is just really sad for something to be so little so outrages in price. Not a day goes by that I don't think about my baby girls I go visit them everyday and check on there flowers. I'm taking it Day by Day. I just wanted to thank you fellow bloggers out there for keeping my family in your prayers, And thanks Ash for leaving me that comment it really meant alot. Please continue to keep my family in your prayers. Thanks Again,
Hudson's 7 Months
When hes sitting up and he falls he goes aBoom
His first word is Mama were working on Dada now
stick out his hand to say bye
reaches for you
is now going through separation anxiety(Talking about major fit when we leave the room)
eats solids for lunch and dinner plus bottle
too independent for us to hold his bottle for him (about 3 weeks now)
Weights about 17 lbs now
is in size 3 Huggies
wears 9 months in clothes now
and last but not least when he gets upset at something he holds his breath O yeah can we say just a wee bit of a temper like his mama :) have a great Monday, I'm thinking about changing my blog anyone have any ideas on what I should do or should I get someone to design it. Open to suggestions please.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

What Ifs and What I Miss

This is something I fill like I need to say,

What Ifs:
I would have listened to my body more closely
I would have not just brushed of my Braxton Hicks Contractions As just normal
I would have went in a few days earlier they could have stoped my contractions
I would have know that something just wasn't right
It just saddens me
I would have been so pushy with my pregnancy and demand for them to watch me more

What I Miss:
Looking down at my belly and not seeing or feeling my baby girls in my belly
I would give anything to have my morning sickness back
My sleepless nights
Not being able to breath
Being in pain when I walk
And what really really blows right now is having my milk come in and no baby girls to nurse

Were just taking it day by day, I bought a book called Empty Arms today and I plan on reading it soon, It has really been a big thing of posting the girls birth story on here. I was trying to avoid telling everyone on the blog because it was so easy just to ignore it and not say anything, this was the first step to my healing process. I have decided to keep blogging Z thinks it will be good for me, Hes my rock and has been so strong for me, for us and I thank god everyday for him being in my life, So I'm keeping the blog the worst thing is going to be when I have to change the format, the pictures, the heading. That's going to be hard I'm just not ready yet, the blog will be about new journeys, my family, and my precious baby boy Hudson on planing a first Birthday party and Me and Z planing our next step to starting our family again in the late fall. Giving my body and our hearts time to heal.

"Our Girls Together Forever"

I wanted to tell you I Love You
I find it so hard to believe.
You lives ended much to soon.
How can it be I'll never be able to
touch you beautiful little faces.
With the joy you will bring,
There will be no tears in Heaven.
Baby Girls I will always love you.
You will always be in my heart.

RIP Mallory Grace & Mary Grace
Love Mommy,Daddy, and Hudson(Big Brother)
I just wanted to say thank you all for the prayers for me and my family during this hard time in our lives. Its amazing what the power of prayer can do, and your comments thanks again.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Till We Meet Again My Baby Girls

My heart hurts so bad, I'm Broken, I'm Numb, and I'm mad. I just don't know what to say and have no words. Our day begins early Tuesday Morning March 2, 2010. What i thought was just another one of my UTI or bladder infection. I got up gave Z a kiss and Hudson a kiss told them not to worry about going with me and was on my way to the Dr. This was the first time that Z has not been with me the whole two years we were pregnant and trying to get pregnant. This is really hard to talk about as I'm sitting here crying trying to talk about but Ive keep it in to long. I have been having allot of pressure on my belly the past few weeks and just thought it was the girls laying on stuff. I meet with the Dr and had to go to the bathroom so they could check my urine. Well I couldn't go for some reason I tried and tried. Finally I said I cant go for some reason she said that's OK maybe after the Dr sees you we can try again. So I get in the room tell him whats been going on and he decides to check me, he looks up at me and tells me to cough and then asks if i have had any contractions. He jumped up with tears in his eyes (remember were like family he has been with us for 2 years and delivered Hudson for us) He said my cervix was thinning I was to go across to the High Risk Doctor for an ultra Sound. By the time I got there my contractions we 4 min apart I was freaking out. We got the ultra sound done and I was having Identical Twin Girls. I was told that the babies had TTTS (Twin-to-twin transfusion) I was already in stage 2. I called Z and told him to get to the hospital fast there wasn't much time. The High Risk Dr came in and explained what his and my Dr plan of action was Z should up at the u/s and we discussed our options. Here they are, My Dr was going to try to stop my contractions, then they were going to drain the amniotic fluid from baby a, (I was having so much pressure because baby A weighed 12oz and on top of that I had 1lb of fluid around baby A) then if that worked my Dr was going to sow my cervix or stitch it up then if that worked they were going to watch me for a few days and then it was off to one of the few cities that did the laser surgery. Back to my story we took one step at a time. They admitted us to L&D and started giving me every medicine they had to try to stop the contractions, they propped the bed back to where my head was almost on the floor to try to get the pressure off my cervix. About an hour later I was at 6 cm. All the meds made me sick I started to throw up and then my water broke as I was crying trying not to deliver my little girls at 20 weeks was to late. At 4:43 pm our little Mallory Grace was brought into this world she weighed 11 oz and was 11in. they wrapped her up and put her in my arms as I was holding Mallory, I was told my other baby girl was on her way and they told me to push by 4:53 pm Our Mary Grace was born 9oz and 10in. It all happened so fast i was in total shock. The nurse told Z and I to hold our baby girls. Even though Mallory and Mary were born so early they were still alive and Z and I got to spend about 45 min with our girls. It was the most hardest thing we have ever been through but we cherished every min with them. Mallory reached for my finger with her tiny hand and grabbed on that broke my heart. As Z and I lay in bed with our baby girls we just cried there was nothing they could do we felt so helpless. Around 6pm we had the Chaplin come in and Baptise the girls he did it such a special way. He took my tear and put it on Mallory's forehead and then he took Z tear and did the same for Mary. It was very special. All this happened so fast.

After L&D we headed up to our room and just cried it didn't seem real. it was to soon and it was not supposed to happen this way. I got discharged the next day and then it was off to make arrangements for the girls. We wanted them to have a Funeral because they were alive and they are apart of our family. We made arrangements I wont go into big details about that this story alone was hard enough to talk about. ill leave that for another day. I don't know where Ill be after this or even if Ill still be blogging Its going to take time to heal. I'm broken and our family has been threw so much Zach and I would have never thought we would have had to bury our two sweet baby girls at 27 years old. We have honestly been through it all. i might have left a few details out of the Birth Story but its been a long hard week. Till we meet again my baby girls. Mallory Grace and Mary Grace you will be truly missed by your mommy,daddy, and Baby Hudson. You will truly be missed.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Twins VS Singleton Pregnancy

Wow just let me tell y'all that I'm 20 weeks pregnant with twin girls. I'm as big as I was now at 20 weeks when I gave birth to my son Hudson 6 1/2 months ago and now I fill like I'm at the end of my other pregnancy. I cant breath at night and if I lay on my left side it fills like one of the girls is going to break my rib. So I sleep with 7 pillows behind me and 1 in between my legs. That's just the beginning this pregnancy is just bringing out totally different things than just being pregnant with just one. I have noticed when I was caring Hudson the whole time I felt like he was going to fall out the whole time ,with the girls they are so high up they go into my ribs, make me not be able to breath cause they are constantly on some kind of organ and last but not least when I sit down its like they just float on up to my neck :) O and need I mention the god awful morning afternoon and night sickness. I'm so tired of throwing up everyday and none of my tricks are helping anymore. Don't get me wrong I'm loving this pregnancy and fill very blessed but I have so many questions that I don't have answers to on twin pregnancy's. Trying to bake two babies is allot different than baking one. I can only imagine if I'm suffering this much now what the hell am I in for in the next few weeks;(

Now on to my Hudson he is getting so big he has been sitting up by himself like a big boy for two weeks now, and hes holding his own bottle now. That's a sad milestone cause now hes not so big into letting you hold him like a little baby anymore. Any nursing mothers out there any suggestions on a good breast pump. What did y'all like using best. Thanks for letting me vent/complain have a great night.